Howdie Family and Friends - here are the going ons in the life of me. Stew shows up frequently. My family and friends visit a lot. My nieces and nephews are represented throughout. It's all about me and how I'm traveling along in this thing I call my life.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012


The come clean post - I can't stand how much I weigh.  I can't stand how what I consider to be my "cute" clothes don't fit.  I can't stand having to shop at the fat girl store.  I can't stand how I look.  I can't stand how I can't do all the physical activity things I used to do.  I can't stand how hard it is to tie my shoes or shave my legs because of my huge stomach being in the way.  I get all of that love your body the way it is stuff, I do, I think it's crap, personally, for me, but I do understand it.  It's great that some people are able to love themselves at any weight and to be honest, I do love myself.  I just don't particularly like how I look or how my weight impacts my health and the activities that I want to do.

If you're a big girl or guy and your blood pressure is under control and you're not at risk for diabetes and you're able to do all of the things that you want to do - more power to you.  Honestly.  I'm happy for you.  It's just not me.

I remember in high school thinking I was fat - I look back now and realize how freaking crazy I was.  And that's the problem with self image because when I was in high school, I wasn't fat.  I'll never be a size 2.  I have, as my mother would say, good birthing hips - when I'm at my optimal (for me) weight, my body looks like an hourglass.  I have boobs and I have hips and that's just the way it is.  No waif look for me no matter how popular it is.  When I'm at my optimal weight, I have muscular, thick thighs - nothing's going to change that.  Just the way I was built.  So yeah, I can look back at being 14, 15, 16, hell 21 and thinking, God I'm fat when in fact, I wasn't.  That's the messed up thing that all these magazines and models do to our self image.  But I'm a bit older now and understand that, thankfully, I'll never look like a teenaged boy.  Ever.  And that suits me and my husband just fine.

But I don't want to look like a whale either.  And yes, it's true, because of my family history and my current health concerns, nothing is better than watching what I eat and exercising.  I have high blood pressure, a long family history of diabetes and I suffer daily with the ups and downs that is depression - not a sad mood, but clinically diagnosed, if I don't take my pills I won't get out of bed, depression.  The research on the benefits of eating right and exercising is solid - I mean, this isn't rocket surgery.

But what it really comes down to me for me is I want to be able to go out and run with my kids.  Climb to the top of lighthouses (though my knees will hate me at any weight, I'm thinking they may be a bit more forgiving if they weren't asked to lug around the extra 90 pounds that I'm carrying).  Hell, I want to look good in a bathing suit.

I've tried before and failed.  I've tried again and failed.  I have some limited success and then for whatever reason I quit - and there are a million excuses for my nothing's worked in the past and for why I'm even at this weight to begin with - but there's no reason to look back.  It's all about looking forward.

So today, I start at a weight that I'm for sure not sharing.  We'll call this weight zero and as this journey continues, the weight will enter negative numbers.

So, I intend to blog about this - I think writing helps me to define my goals and stay accountable to myself.  I know I have a lot of back journal entries to enter - and I'll get to them.  Right now, I need to reign in my ADD and focus on one thing, okay, two things.  Eating better and exercising.  That's all for now.  Whatever other changes come along with that, great, but for the next seven days - the eating and the exercising is my focus.

I've chosen to do a low carb thing.  Not crazy like Atkins.  Just limiting the amount of refined sugar I consume, breaking the sugar cravings, the sugar addiction really.  High fiber, high protein, low carb.  That's the plan. I'm not cutting out fruits or eating steak and bacon all day.  I just really want to over come the cravings for sugar.  God help me.

I'll tag all posts about this as diet, so feel free to skip them if you're not interested.

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